I'm a blog

I've focused on trying to extract as much value out of my upper middle-class jobs as I can. I can't help but think I am wasting my life doing this. In a thousand years I will be forgotten. Shit. In 100 years I will be forgotten. If I'm lucky I'll be a reference point in a grandchild's story about something they vaguely remember doing at some point in their youth.

I want more time.

I want people in my life to know I love them. Saying it as a one-off doesn't seem to be good enough.

I want people to live like we aren't seeing each other again when we die. I think religion spoils this for us and people act as if there is an infinite amount of time where we exist when nothing is guaranteed.

Am I depressed? I love a lot in my life. Can i be depressed that the people I love will die? That I will? And there is nothing I can do about it? I guess in that sense I do feel depression. It's outside of my control and I cannot reason about it because no wikipedia article on the planet will reconcile the idea of death for me.

I love my wife. My mom. My dad. My grandparents. My dog. My future son. My grandparents. I want us to live forever.

On the other hand I don't want to leave life kicking and screaming, digging my nails into the ground and crying. This is how I would deal with it at this moment. Trying, in vain, to hold on to it all as the lights fade out. I can't be like this.

I want to accept it gracefully. To be at peace with death. But I can't stop rejecting or denying the notion of my consciousness being annihilated. My consciousness contains my thoughts which attach me to the people I love; the only thing I really care about even if I stare at video games or movies mindlessly to pass time.

I'm afraid of nothingness. Nothingness is a void of feeling. A vacuum. Your thoughts are gone. A black hole. It's not even that you won't speak to people again. It's that you won't have the presence to know that you haven't spoken to these people again.

I don't want to leave earth. I don't want to never speak with loved ones again. I can't accept this. How can I?

I hope there is a way to find peace.